Minnesota vs. Philadelphia
The winner? The first pick of the 2015 draft.
The loser? The first pick of the 2013 draft.
Highlights:
Everyone clears out for Jason Richardson vs. Kevin Garnett one-on-one.
Ricky Rubio grazes Nerlens Noel’s flat top on every pass.
Andrew Wiggins convinces Sam Hinkie that none of his plans are working.
Charlotte vs. Indiana
The winner? Gets to force their respective aging power forward to retire (Al Jefferson or David West).
The loser? Must take back Lance.
Highlights:
Lance Stephenson watches highlights from the 2014 playoffs on his iPad while Steve Clifford blows in his ear.
Kemba Walker accidentally on-purpose throws alley-oops to Roy Hibbert because he has dreams, too.
Noah Vonleh and Cory Zeller lobby the state of Indiana and the NCAA to pass the new “two-and-done” law, where players can play in the NBA for up to two years and then come back and play out their remaining eligibility if things, you know, just don’t work out.
2015 Detroit Pistons vs the 2004 Detroit Pistons (Present Day)
The winner? Gets to remember Joe Dumars as a great GM
The loser? Must attend the Sloane Conference with Joe Dumars and field questions about Charlie Villaneuva, Ben Gordon and Darko Milicic.
HIghlights:
The forty-something Rip Hamilton outshooting Kentavious Caldwell-Pope
Reggie Jackson trying to throw assists through Chauncey Billups’ legs.
Rasheed teaching Andre Drummond how to say “Ball Don’t Lie” while posting up.
Ben Wallace helping Greg Monroe grow out his hair.
Tayshaun Prince remembering that being overrated is better than washed up.
Phoenix vs. Utah
Winner: Gets Gordon Hayward
Loser: Gets Dan Majerle and John Stockton to develop a personal insult generator app for Jeff Hornacek
Highlights:
Remember how fun the Suns were last year? Remember how fun the Jazz were this year, post-Kanter? The Jazz are the new Suns, until they’re not anymore. I was supposed to write something funny here, but eh.
Brooklyn Nets vs Miami Heat
Winner: Gets 2-week vacation in the middle of next season.
Loser: Gets overpriced, weak drinks.
Highlights:
Club. Beach. Club. Beach. Golf Club. Knee brace. Ice tub. Ciroq on Prokhorov’s yacht.
Oklahoma City vs Sacramento
Winner: Gets Boogie Cousins and Mike Malone
Loser: Gets Scott Brooks and Dion Waiters
Highlights:
Scott Brooks gets a message on his phone about a “very interesting new opportunity.”
To prepare for a potential job interview, Scott Brooks decides to cherry-pick with Dion Waiters. Dion scores 100 points. Scott re-listens to the message and realizes it was from Grinnell College. Dion asks if Dajuan Wagner’s number is available.
Russell Westbrook and DeMarcus Cousins have a nerf gun battle before the game to see who can get the most dents in their head.
Jason Thompson gives a lecture to Jeremy Lamb and Perry Jones III about how to succeed in the league.
Vivek and Clay Bennett go to dinner at Buffalo Wild Wings.
Nick Stauskas creates a list of possible nicknames for Mitch McGary based on local delicacies. They decide on “The Beefy Jerk” based solely on the potential for getting free food from this place.
